Wednesday, February 15, 2006

the wild wild west


Okay, as many of you know, I have just returned from a foray into the wilds of the western United States via Arizona. A few recently learned truths:
A) the Grand Canyon is fricking HUGE!!!!! It's much larger than it appeared on the Brady Bunch, and they don't clean the mule shit off of the hiking trails for your convenience!
B) you can buy marijuana virtually anywhere in Flagstaff or Sedona. Peyote is a close second in availability, but FYI I purchased neither.
C)Cricket Travel Time is not as easy to achieve as they lead you to believe...After one hour of being put on hold multiple times, I finally had the maid in my hotel room in Phoenix translate for me to get the service turned on. She appreciated the $10 tip, and offered me some peyote in exchange for the apple jolly ranchers I had left on the desk by the phone.
D)Traffic in Little Rock is an absolute breeze, and west Little Rock is not nearly as far from my house as I had once felt it was.
E)Sober Daytime sex is incredible (after you both have your coffee and brush your teeth!)
F)Rattlesnake does NOT taste like chicken!!!
G)Smog does not filter the sun reducing the need for sunscreen.
H)Indian arrowheads for sale in gift stores are not actually from the Grand Canyon, as it is protected federal land, or even from the great state of Arizona, but mass produced in India(which I guess does technically make them INDIAN arrowheads. (Dot on forehead, not arrow in sweatband)
I)P.F. Changs was founded in Scottsdale.
J)You cannot get a cheeseburger at a Jewish street fair.
K)Mules, not just horses, kick.
L)Sofa sized paintings of the desert that you get at the LR Hilton during the starving artists sale for $39 go for really big money out there.
M)English IS a second language.
N) Cops and resort security guards become displeased when you drive the wrong way down a one way thoroughfare.
O)Coyotes are not just like big furry dogs!!!
P)Cadillac CRT's are the most advertised vehicles on western US televi

the wild wild west

Okay, as many of you know, I have just returned from a foray into the wilds of the western United States via Arizona. A few recently learned truths:
A) the Grand Canyon is fricking HUGE!!!!! It's much larger than it appeared on the Brady Bunch, and they don't clean the mule shit off of the hiking trails for your convenience!
B) you can buy marijuana virtually anywhere in Flagstaff or Sedona. Peyote is a close second in availability, but FYI I purchased neither.
C)Cricket Travel Time is not as easy to achieve as they lead you to believe...After one hour of being put on hold multiple times, I finally had the maid in my hotel room in Phoenix translate for me to get the service turned on. She appreciated the $10 tip, and offered me some peyote in exchange for the apple jolly ranchers I had left on the desk by the phone.
D)Traffic in Little Rock is an absolute breeze, and west Little Rock is not nearly as far from my house as I had once felt it was.
E)Sober Daytime sex is incredible (after you both have your coffee and brush your teeth!)
F)Rattlesnake does NOT taste like chicken!!!
G)Smog does not filter the sun reducing the need for sunscreen.
H)Indian arrowheads for sale in gift stores are not actually from the Grand Canyon, as it is protected federal land, or even from the great state of Arizona, but mass produced in India(which I guess does technically make them INDIAN arrowheads. (Dot on forehead, not arrow in sweatband)
I)P.F. Changs was founded in Scottsdale.
J)You cannot get a cheeseburger at a Jewish street fair.
K)Mules, not just horses, kick.
L)Sofa sized paintings of the desert that you get at the LR Hilton during the starving artists sale for $39 go for really big money out there.
M)English IS a second language.
N) Cops and resort security guards become displeased when you drive the wrong way down a one way thoroughfare.
O)Coyotes are not just like big furry dogs!!!
P)Cadillac CRT's are the most advertised vehicles on western US television.
Q)There is no male frontal nudity on hotel pay per view movies.
R)The people who shouldn't wear Speedo's do, and the people you wish would don't.
S)Circle K staff do not allow you to return gas cans for refund after they have been used.
T)Taco Bells blend in with the surrounding architecture, so you have to keep an eye out for them.
U)Yelling "IMMIGRATION!!! near the service entrance of afore-mentioned resorts wreak havok on room cleaning schedules.
V)Oranges really do grow on trees in peoples yards.
W)Afore-mentioned gas cans are not considered an acceptable carry on item according to the FAA.
X)Skycaps will drive you through the crowds of the airport at a brisk pace without being elderly or injured to get to Starbucks before your flight leaves for a mere $3.
Y)For $5, they'll let you use the horn.
Z)The new Southwest jets have wings that end in a perpendicular fold....they are not broken. (And they don't like it when you do the Julia Roberts Pretty Woman opera glass imitation)